A few months ago, I wrote a private post to myself. The title was, “You are Unwanted, You are Unworthy, You are Unloved”.
I think the world does a really good job of portraying that message to all of us at some time in our lives. The feeling of being unwanted, unworthy, and unloved is a very painful feeling. How we cope with those feelings varies, but have we all experienced it or will experience it? Probably.
Since I have found my family in China, I have also learned more about my past. I have found closure of events that did happen to me. Also, I recognize an open door to new relationships with my siblings, I never knew about, and the chance of reuniting with my Chinese parents.
In the midst of this incredible journey, I also find myself struggling and at war with specific events that can easily reaffirm I am unwanted, unworthy, and unloved. In my everyday life and relationships, I will always have to reassure myself I am wanted, worthy, and loved and that this truth does not come from people, circumstances, and situations, but because of Jesus’s constant unchanging promises, words, and truth.
My first family, my birth family, did not keep me. They were pressured by government, culture, and society to need a son. The laws, birth permits, fines, punishments, forced abortions and sterilizations, and disgrace were and are still huge sources of agony, shame, and brokenness. The One Child Policy states if, in the countryside, you have a daughter as your first child, you can have a second child (You can try again for a son). Nearly 1.1 million girls every year have been lost to forced abortions, infanticides, abandonment, taken by force, or lived without the world knowing they exist. 400 million births prevented. Gendercide.
My first family already had a daughter, but now they needed a son. I was their second child. For their reasons, they decided not to keep me, so they found another family in China to adopt me.
The second family in China adopted me. They thought they were not able to give birth to a child and agreed to adopt me. Soon after, the mom realized she was pregnant, and at 5 months old, I was abandoned again. Unknown of the events between, I was taken to a police station, and then I was left under care of a Social Welfare Institute (SWI).
Within SWI, I lived with my foster mom, her family, and 5-6 other babies/children. My foster mom described my personality as quiet and when other children left, I would cry. This is all I know.
When the SWI received my parents paperwork from America, they placed me in an orphanage for another 3-4 months. Their logic was they did not want me attached to my foster mom because I would soon meet my family. Though my foster mom loved me deeply and convinced SWI to accompany me during my train ride to the city, to meet my family from America.
My life here does not exempt me from all the hardships, trials, and tribulations we encounter because that is life. (Yes, I am thankful for the opportunities I have experienced, the relationships I cherish, the education I have received, and the support I have been given.)
As I reflect and recognize the facts, I could easily say, yes, I am unwanted, unworthy, and unloved because that is what Satan wants me to believe. He wants me (us) to feel hopeless, he wants us to cling to the world, he wants us to depend on people, embrace materialism, and seek love in anything else but Jesus. But then God speaks to me again and says, “You are wanted, you are worthy, you are loved. Look what I have already done. Read my Word and learn, pray to me, depend on me, and continue to trust in me. My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts. And my ways are far beyond anything you can imagine.” (Isaiah 55:8-9)
Reading Luke during this journey I am reminded of Who Jesus is, I am reminded of His character, His promises, His love, His words, and His truth for His children.
I am reminded through the time and the story of Moses. Egypt oppressed and enslaved the Israelites for their increasing population and power. Pharaoh acted in fear, demanding to control the Israelite population. Pharaoh gave an order to the midwives. He said, “If the baby is a boy, kill him; if it is a girl, let her live.” (Exodus 1:16). Moses life was saved. “Many years later, when Moses had grown up, he went out to visit his own people, the Hebrews, and he saw how hard they were forced to work..”(Exodus 2:11)
Many years later, Moses met/reunited with His brother and extended birth family. He was embraced. (Exodus 4:27) Moses was a significant person, who freed his people from slavery, suffering, and oppression. Moses had a past of being unwanted, unworthy, and unloved, but CHOSE to act in his faith. (Hebrews 11:23-29)
My prayer throughout this continued journey is to have faith like Moses and to have faith like the many lives and examples before me. “For we are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places.” (Ephesians 6:12)
“For the word of God is alive and powerful. It is sharper than the sharpest two-edged sword, cutting between soul and spirit, between joint and marrow. It exposes our innermost thoughts and desires.” (Hebrews 4:12)
When I accepted Jesus, I recognized that God rarely gives us answers to our deepest questions, our hurts are still present, we still have difficult times, and now there is a spiritual war we must constantly battle (Joshua 16:33), BUT I accept all of these facts, knowing and feeling complete peace, His grace, His love, His acceptance, His promises, not because of the answers, but because of His character and Word shows truth.
4 days left. 4 days until I reunite with my family in China. 4 days until I will be in the exact same room as my birth mom and the rest of my (birth) family.